1ST January 2010
This is weird, I have named Journal of the Great after you because you are the closest person to me in the whole world right now despite the great distance and by naming this book after you somehow it brings you closer and one day I will personally hand it to you because it is for you, I want you to know me as intimately as no other human being has ever known me. In here you get to know everything deep and dark because you are the white to my dark.
I cant help but marvel at how a little white girl from a far off country can feel this big in this dark hard continent called Africa. How can I dream and fantasize about you amidst all this chaos called my life but that’s just how it is baby. It is even harder when you have only one real memory to go by and to live with of you and me but it’s all good because every time I see a couple seriously making out I see us and I know that could be us and one day it surely will be us.
Right now, right here I have decided that this is gon be a gift from me. I am going to send you this journal sometime later this year when its full that if you can put up with the bad handwriting and I have thought of a good idea to keep each other close; I am goin to propose to you to write me a journal just like this. This book contains my life since Belgrade and it’s gon be the hardest thing I will ever do to let it go but I have decided that I will do it for you and I hope can do it for me too. So as soon as I leave the village I plan to email you and I am praying you like the idea. I really want to know you deep down.
So here I am in the boys room in our old house in Sags, with the unpainted walls whose first paint long peeled off, I think it has never been repainted in the past thirty years. We decided to tidy it up a bit by plastering old newspapers to cover the awful wall so that in the end it’s a weird assortment of graying paper with bizarre pictures and newspaper articles; its actually very ridiculous. I think I will show you a few pictures of what the house looks like. It looks really terrible but at least it has electricity. It’s beyond boring living here without electricity and very often we do have load-shedding; that is power black-outs sometimes we go for two days without power!!
It is so hard especially for me who likes hanging indoors when I am around here. Our room is always shabby and untidy because my brothers ( ok even me) don’t like laying our beds or sweeping the room whenever I am here I get real lazy and I find doing anything highly irritating. Yesterday I had to iron my dad’s shirts and damn that just put me in a terrible grumpy mood. It’s like my dad picks on me to iron his stuff because he knows I am the least likely person to do it even for myself and it’s like he’s trying to enculturate (inculcate I really don’t know the spelling of that word which is weird because am real good at spellings) anyways I will never be that person who irons clothes; I am too sporty. I spend 90% of my life wearing sports clothes because they are comfy not to mention easy to wash and I don’t mind wearing same attire twice before I wash it …
Right now I am wearing a small white t-shirt. I love it and most times it acts as my undershirt and I think I will send it to you because it kinda smells like me washed or not. I do not wear bed attire because its un-comfy (I sleep almost naked in boxers) the weather in UG makes it fake to pash in clothes infact I usually fall asleep on top of my bed the roll into my sheets sometime in the middle of the night (don’t know what will happen when I get married and have to share my bed with someone else) anyways despite everything this is the one t-shirt I can gladly sleep in and I usually sleep in this t-shirt so it’s very special to me and I just might give it to you.
I am also wearing khaki track pants and because I am indoors most of the time at home in the village I am either usually shirtless so I can darken my skin which lately is looking lighter and lighter because of the rainy weather and the little sunshine so I look more orange than chocolate brown; I like contrasting with chics coz there’s some sort of boldness in the color I find at being darker; to me it feels quite masculine.
I am sipping milk tea; I love the village because there’s a lot of milk (I am putting on weight yay) and listening to my favorite music collection. I gave this music to Robert sometime last year and he misplaced it. I almost killed him because it was my favorite compilation in the entire wide world aand it was was very hard to live without it, I was so angry at him and didn’t quite forgive him for being so careless like that. No music collection has ever quite lived up to this CD. I put my time, patience and soul into compiling it so I was very sad to lose it until yesterday when I was goin through a music DVD backed up by Robert and lent to me to enjoy over the festive holidays. It turns out he had copied the music into this DVD. I can recognize this playlist from anywhere because I love it and had played it before quite often that I had memorized the order of the songs besides it’s very unique according to my customized taste. It suits every mood and state of mind at any particular time I am in! so as soon as I heard the first track it set off alarm bells in my head and it didn’t take long to figure out that this is my long lost collection. I was so excited I was like a little kid getting his very first present; I was so happy to have recovered my music I immediately texted Robert with the good news. Am so happy really HAPPY!!! Well that was my day and I spent the rest of my day listening to my music.
I later watched a sweet high school movie called “BandSlam” and I fell in love with it. You really should look for it because it’s a lovely movie so my last day in 2009 was really nice. I even went to the river to see the sun set on 2009.
With the setting of the sun also went my smile. Most times at night I get so lonely especially over here and there’s no body to talk to around me; I really have nothing deep to talk about with my brothers, my personality is too different from them and this night especially I didn’t feel any light moods. Its like I get possessed by this gloomy blanket of emotions and only a new day or good music or really lovely conversation can get me out of it. Most times I cant explain it but this time I know it has something to do with no Laura anymore in my life. I struggle with feelings everyday but I know that every day is a step towards recovery and after last night today I feel so much better. Last night after evening tea I went to the village trading centre where I found my bro who is 2 years younger than me and way more socially accustomed to this area chilling at the local pub drinking local beer with a bunch of local mid-thirties and late twenties guys and I was there to get the balance of my money I had left with him. Anyways I decided to join the guys for a few drinks and also purchased a small bottle of a spirit drink and soon left them to come back at home and hang with myself on top of the house (rooftop)
It was beautiful lying on the roof staring at the moon and the stars and thinking of you and how so far away you are and also of Laura but those thoughts are always painful. I texted her for the first time genuinely in 2 weeks. The other times were merely out of formality to wish her a merry Christmas and Happy new year.
My girlfriends, they all started texting me at once to wish me a happy new year and that’s when you texted me too! I was feeling so low that at 2 minutes to midnight I finally let go and sobbed like a baby and later my friend Samantha called and she talked with me and cheered me up. I wish it was you …
I stayed on the rooftop till 1:30am and then I came down to sleep. Its gon be a while till they see a real smile from me but I will get there. Till later babe, I love you, I always will, I promise. Cmoooooooooooooooooook!!!