Saturday, 30 January 2010

#JOURNAL LE GRANDE-FAST FORWARD


30th January 2010
FAST FORWARD
Carpe Diem, no more waiting, life fast trackin, one minute into the second, from one page to the second, what is written is history now, what then is not a mystery now, my thoughts is turning into action now, pull the plug too late am past the reality now, the reality is pain, the reality is lonely, the reality so phony, the reality – I can’t believe am through with this shorty; it wasn’t worth it they warned me, matter of fact I warned me coz love is no hommie, she belongs to another hommie and now you’re stuck you’re no good but that was that, that time is past, we fast trackin …
One hour to one minute, it was an honor now beat it, from lyin to walkin out that door, every hour every dime, into a minute sixty dimes times twelve is child’s play, now we got clientele pourin in and the mud on the boots is wearin thin, fresh water trickling into the pool it’s my realm and I got time choppin down; loud cheerin’s raisin me up; I cant see it but its happenin, the tide is carryin me on from one success to another, a lotta gals I gotta bother, they fall in love with my swagger and my pockets are less lighter from one hun to a thousand, one thou to ten thousand and so am baggin a million from one mil to a lotta mils, now that’s fast am losin trackin …
From one day to an hour, oh my gosh it’s another, Monday is Tuesday, tues is Wednesday, wednz believe it’s me paka last, life is a holiday aint no strife for tomorrow, we belong in the moment, we bond coz I am content, I am done with the present for the world’s got a crescent, I cant feel any resentment and all this is apparent coz all I am doin is fast forwardin, there’s no time for the present.
The present is a mess, the present is torn apart, I don’t like what’s in the package, for the months I been grievin, but now it’s time for some merriment, the weeks now into months again but Jan is not February, it’s not the same but its comin fast, season into season, the winter is meltin, the sorrow is mellowing, spring sun be smiling, cold hands can’t hold ma heart, the tears are fading out, am not walkin am runnin now, I feel the breeze in my system now and I bet it’s not toxic, I can laugh in the face of fear, its just an empty atmosphere, it’s awesome here what bullcrap the mind can conjure up, I stop livin wit ma heart, start runnin wit ma mind, typin up this part  huggin all the dirt and cleanin up ma act, it’s been a long time comin but still am fast forwardin …
Now the days have changed, the man was reborn, the tape unwound, another chapter, another round am lookin for ma gown, these years felt like months, from the cold came the bold but he’s not just old, I guess it’s time to make a halt, what is past has passed, what went wrong is gone, I can’t believe is gone, too many stripes I’ve borne, no more need to blend, I know the pain was a pain but now it’s gone, it’s time to rewind, I meant time to relearn what went wrong from the first and thirst for a fresh start, new players in the game, don’t hate the player just the game but remember the game is just a game, you win some you lose some, shit happens, life goes on, it’s just life we gotta press play, no remote we can’t fast forward it coz that’s what makes us human, I was young I was human, I aint runnin am flyin, been there done that, what more do you want, I’ll still get what I want, she’s there she’s tight, she’s fair she’s white; it’s her am gon get, we are past the brown gates, its now time to relight the little paths we brushed, another step in the dark will light my flight coz God has planned, I already walked that path, just don’t know it yet.
This is a message from the future, be strong young brother, it’s bright in your future, you gon get what you seek but don’t rush it’s important that you live in this moment for your senses are learnin, this education is the key, without it, there’s no future, so better stop fast trackin, it’s nice but it’s a fantasy, now get back to reality, one step by step, one step to destiny …
Finish what you started …

Friday, 1 January 2010

#JOURNAL LE GRANDE-NEW YEAR


1ST January 2010
NEW YEAR
Dear Jazzie
This is weird, I have named Journal of the Great after you because you are the closest person to me in the whole world right now despite the great distance and by naming this book after you somehow it brings you closer and one day I will personally hand it to you because it is for you, I want you to know me as intimately as no other human being has ever known me. In here you get to know everything deep and dark because you are the white to my dark.
I cant help but marvel at how a little white girl from a far off country can feel this big in this dark hard continent called Africa. How can I dream and fantasize about you amidst all this chaos called my life but that’s just how it is baby. It is even harder when you have only one real memory to go by and to live with of you and me but it’s all good because every time I see a couple seriously making out I see us and I know that could be us and one day it surely will be us.
Right now, right here I have decided that this is gon be a gift from me. I am going to send you this journal sometime later this year when its full that if you can put up with the bad handwriting and I have thought of a good idea to keep each other close; I am goin to propose to you to write me a journal just like this. This book contains my life since Belgrade and it’s gon be the hardest thing I will ever do to let it go but I have decided that I will do it for you and I hope can do it for me too. So as soon as I leave the village I plan to email you and I am praying you like the idea. I really want to know you deep down.
So here I am in the boys room in our old house in Sags, with the unpainted walls whose first paint long peeled off, I think it has never been repainted in the past thirty years. We decided to tidy it up a bit by plastering old newspapers to cover the awful wall so that in the end it’s a weird assortment of graying paper with bizarre pictures and newspaper articles; its actually very ridiculous. I think I will show you a few pictures of what the house looks like. It looks really terrible but at least it has electricity. It’s beyond boring living here without electricity and very often we do have load-shedding; that is power black-outs sometimes we go for two days without power!!
It is so hard especially for me who likes hanging indoors when I am around here. Our room  is always shabby and untidy because my brothers ( ok even me) don’t like laying our beds or sweeping the room  whenever I am here I get real lazy and I find doing anything highly irritating. Yesterday I had to iron my dad’s shirts and damn that just put me in a terrible grumpy mood. It’s like my dad picks on me to iron his stuff because he knows I am the least likely person to do it even for myself and it’s like he’s  trying to enculturate (inculcate I really don’t know the spelling of that word which is weird because am real good at spellings) anyways I will never be that person who irons clothes; I am too sporty. I spend 90% of my life wearing sports clothes because they are comfy not to mention easy to wash and I don’t mind wearing same attire twice before I wash it …
Right now I am wearing a small white t-shirt. I love it and most times it acts as my undershirt and I think I will send it to you because it kinda smells like me washed or not. I do not wear bed attire because its un-comfy (I sleep almost naked in boxers) the weather in UG makes it fake to pash in clothes infact I usually fall asleep on top of my bed the roll into my sheets sometime in the middle of the night (don’t know what will happen when I get married and have to share my bed with someone else) anyways despite everything this is the one t-shirt I can gladly sleep in and I usually sleep in this t-shirt so it’s very special to me and I just might give it to you.
I am also wearing khaki track pants and because I am indoors most of the time at home in the village I am either usually shirtless so I can darken my skin which lately is looking lighter and lighter because of the rainy weather and the little sunshine so I look more orange than chocolate brown; I like contrasting with chics coz there’s some sort of boldness in the color I find at being darker; to me it feels quite masculine.
I am sipping milk tea; I love the village because there’s a lot of milk (I am putting on weight yay) and listening to my favorite music collection. I gave this music to Robert sometime last year and he misplaced it. I almost killed him because it was my favorite compilation in the entire wide world aand it was was very hard to live without it, I was so angry at him and didn’t quite forgive him for being so careless like that. No music collection has ever quite lived up to this CD. I put my time, patience and soul into compiling it so I was very sad to lose it until yesterday when I was goin through a music DVD backed up by Robert and lent to me to enjoy over the festive holidays. It turns out he had copied the music into this DVD. I can recognize this playlist from anywhere because I love it and had played it before quite often that I had memorized the order of the songs besides it’s very unique according to my customized taste. It suits every mood and state of mind at any particular time I am in! so as soon as I heard the first track it set off alarm bells in my head and it didn’t take long to figure out that this is my long lost collection. I was so excited I was like a little kid getting his very first present; I was so happy to have recovered my music I immediately texted Robert with the good news. Am so happy really HAPPY!!! Well that was my day and I spent the rest of my day listening to my music.
I later watched a sweet high school movie called “BandSlam” and I fell in love with it. You really should look for it because it’s a lovely movie so my last day in 2009 was really nice. I even went to the river to see the sun set on 2009.
With the setting of the sun also went my smile. Most times at night I get so lonely especially over here and there’s no body to talk to around me; I really have nothing deep to talk about with my brothers, my personality is too different from them and this night especially I didn’t feel any light moods. Its like I get possessed by this gloomy blanket of emotions and only a new day or good music or really lovely conversation can get me out of it. Most times I cant explain it but this time I know it has something to do with no Laura anymore in my life. I struggle with feelings everyday but I know that every day is a step towards recovery and after last night today I feel so much better. Last night after evening tea I went to the village trading centre where I found my bro who is 2 years younger than me and way more socially accustomed to this area chilling at the local pub drinking local beer with a bunch of local mid-thirties and late twenties guys and I was there to get the balance of my money I had left with him. Anyways I decided to join the guys for a few drinks and also purchased a small bottle of a spirit drink and soon left them to come back at home and hang with myself on top of the house (rooftop)
It was beautiful lying on the roof staring at the moon and the stars and thinking of you and how so far away you are and also of Laura but those thoughts are always painful. I texted her for the first time genuinely in 2 weeks. The other times were merely out of formality to wish her a merry Christmas and Happy new year.
My girlfriends, they all started texting me at once to wish me a happy new year and that’s when you texted me too! I was feeling so low that at 2 minutes to midnight I finally let go and sobbed like a baby and later my friend Samantha called and she talked with me and cheered me up. I wish it was you …
I stayed on the rooftop till 1:30am and then I came down to sleep. Its gon be a while till they see a real smile from me but I will get there. Till later babe, I love you, I always will, I promise. Cmoooooooooooooooooook!!!