Thursday, 27 August 2009

#JOURNAL LE GRANDE


Thursday 27th August 2009
8:00pm
You know, ever since I heard from you last, I couldn’t help feel so dark and gloomy although I refuse to admit why but I know that it is you. Unfortunately everything happening to me nowadays ain’t helping. Fate has just made it possible for me to do nothing bit hang with my thoughts.
In my world there are bills to pay and one of them- electricity was long overdue and as a result we were cut off for not clearing in time but that’s not the point. The point is, I am now stuck with my thoughts and misgivings. As a result I sit and stare in the dark or by candlelight sometimes most nights, I roam the dark corridors and hallways and all I can think is how despicable and sorry mess I am but lately still, all I can think of is that somehow I have wronged you; not only you but your kind.
I have tossed and turned and couldn’t sleep until I let this pen bleed. As I stare at the dull shadow of my body in the early evening candlelight, as I observe the structure of my head as it stands forlornly on a slender neck and wide shoulders down to the broad back curling inwards on the sides to the point where my slim waist starts and my big shorts the rest of the way; as I look at this I couldn’t help but feel so much sorrow because I feel it’s such a waste, I wonder what happened to the good guy who was born in this body and why I keep thinking of you this way. The truth is that I fell in love with you. I love you but that’s just it. For one small moment in time I actually fell in love just from that small but gigantic moment in time. I loved so fiercely it scares me; am sorry I couldn’t help it, I only pray that with time it fades to ashes but as for now all I can see is you, smell you; I dream, I smile for you, I think you, my thoughts and you are one and the same. I am not saying these things because of anything or that I will act on them- No! I am just saying them because that’s what it is and I realized that I started a chapter of you in my life and it’s not complete. Until it is, I aint never gon get a moments rest so here I am pouring it all out to you because you deserve to know and I also know that people like you and people like me are never always on the same page but for one great moment in time we were and damn how awesome that felt. There’s nothing I can give you from over here and I am sorry for that; I just got burned from that one moment but it left a mark on my life,  and it is scarred forever. I am not complaining I am actually eternally thankful and for that I thank God and thank you for giving me something that memorable. I am wrong and despicable but I just wanted you to know that my whole being shakes and aches for you, it can never be and that’s what makes harder to take. Everything feels dull and dark now that you are gone, that spark in my reflection is no more just as the sun hits the water, like when I see blind spots not blinding spots, here I can at least close that chapter. Am sorry it was such a short one.

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